Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.