Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.