Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship