Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.