Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.