Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
You Might Also Like
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.