Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you