eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
yeah not falling for this one
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*