Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here