Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Do men still open car doors?
That đź‘Š
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My wedding will be open casket.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule