[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’ve had worse
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Finished stitching this today 😇
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.