Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
beware of dog