Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
This probably isn’t good
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.