Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]