Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.