Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Happy Star Wars day!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Why you watching this shit?”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?