[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*