*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed