*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
all that yoga finally paid off
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake