*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.