*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
why no one uses midhusbands
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.