*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.