*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
marvel comics have peaked
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…