*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*