*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Every. Damn. Time.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird