Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.