Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
So glad we cleared that up
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing