*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I enjoy a good short stor
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol