eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.