“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?