Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*takes clothes off*
*takes tampon out*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.