Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”