ed has no gf cuz sheran away
You Might Also Like
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
flight attendant: sir, you can鈥檛 bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there鈥檚 a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here鈥檚 some money for the laundromat.
I鈥檓 one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you haven鈥檛 touched your shrekfast yet