Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Lassie, get help!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing