Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
This was a bad idea all around
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?