edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Husband of the year 😂