Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.