Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!