[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You Might Also Like
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*