Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”