Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules