Education is vital
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
How software testing works
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.