Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.