EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken