Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Rooting for the overdog
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited