Effort made
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.