Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You Might Also Like
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
real
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.