Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Fluff me with a fork baby
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most