Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”