Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.