Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.