Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe