@HatfieldAnne

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

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@panmidwest

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

@SamSykesSwears

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

@oneawkwardmom

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

@continentlbkfst

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@isabelzawtun

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.