Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.


[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?


Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.


My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…


[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.


Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”


Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.


I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.


[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here


Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe