*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

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Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie


kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils


I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”


*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”


Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night


I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.


Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.


Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it


Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.


*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism