@SirEviscerate

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

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@PaperWash

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

@fro_vo

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

@_radsy

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@_goaskyourdad_

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

@GingerHotDish

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

@MomWithNoPlan

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

@isabelzawtun

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@SvnSxty

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism