@SirEviscerate
@PaperWash Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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@PaperWash 
@fro_vo kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
@_radsy I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
@doublewenis *seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
@_goaskyourdad_ Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
@GingerHotDish I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
@MomWithNoPlan Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
@isabelzawtun Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
@bourgeoisalien Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
@SvnSxty *eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism