Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know